Anyone who's had the pleasure of hanging out with me recently has probably noticed the pronounced bags under my eyes. I've been stressed. Worn out. Mentally exhausted. It hasn't been due to my recent two hour commute back and forth to work. I've been waking up in a sweat every night, unable to go back to sleep. I've been absolutely tortured by the fact that those underground nerds on the Swiss-French border are going to blow up the world while they smash particles into each other all night like a god damn astrophysical mosh pit. The nerds will tell you they're trying to find the Higgs boson, but I have other theories.
She Blinded Me With Science...and Sub-Atomic Particles
For those of you who don't know much about the Higgs boson, it is more commonly known by its alias: The God Particle. Essentially, the science nerds have pretty much proven every detail of how the universe was made, but they can't prove why things have mass. This is kind of a big deal. And since scientists' favorite pastime is making fun of religion, they're pretty intent on actually finding proof that their theories on particle physics are correct. So much so, that they dug a 17 mile tunnel underneath the Franco-Swiss border specifically to smash particles into each other. That's commitment! Murphy, Cap'n and I were going to dig a 1/4 mile tunnel from my basement to Old Head Bar, and we never even broke ground...and we're pretty committed to drinking. By smashing particles into each other at insane speeds, the nerds are trying to recreate a reaction that occurred when the universe was first created (I think). More on this to come.
So, I've read a number of explanations of what the Higgs boson is, and there was one analogy that explained it best. However, the analogy involved Margaret Thatcher, so I'll dumb it down a bit. Imagine a party at Townhouse 156 at Fairfield circa 2003. While there are a lot of people drinking and dancing everyone is generally evenly spaced out among the first floor. Now let's say by some act of god that Fairfield had a decent basketball team, and ESPN was in town for the weekend to broadcast a game. Due to the media coverage, sideline reporter Erin Andrews is in town and she steps into the party at 156. As she crosses the room, all the dudes become strongly attracted to her and cluster around her. The dudes are the Higgs field giving Erin Andrews (a sexy electron) mass. After Erin Andrews passes through, clusters of people congregate together to spread the rumor that Erin Andrews was at 156 responding to a booty call from Ryan Cleary. The clusters that form to spread the Cleary rumor is the Higgs boson.
Honey I Blew Up the Universe
So, earlier I alluded to the fact that this reaction hasn't happened since the universe was made, but the nerds are hell-bent on recreating it. Remember what happened the last time the universe was created? I believe it's called the big effing bang! There may be a slight chance that the nerds forget to carry the three and a giant explosion will tear through space and kill everything in it. At least the French will die first. This has been the cause of my lack of sleep. While you lie in bed dreaming about pet dinosaurs I'm readying myself for the end of existence. Don't these nerds care that they could end it all? How the hell do they make those damn particles move so fast? How do you even move a particle? If they can recreate the world, why don't we have flying cars yet? What the hell is a Hadron? Why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl? The questions are endless. You can see why I'm not sleeping.
Coming to a Universe Near You: A New Universe
The more I think about these nerds, the more I think that they're up to something. I mean, why would they risk our existence simply to find out why things have mass when they could easily use their powers to build flying cars? It recently dawned on me. They want to create a new universe. Think about it. These are the smartest people on the planet yet their nerd status make them social parasites. The Kardashians are billionaires for Christ's sake and these geniuses can't even get a date. They're living underground!!! There is no doubt in my mind that they're recreating the universe with a slight tweak that makes smart people attractive. The dumb, good looking people are in big trouble...but they probably don't understand, so I'll offer this public service announcement. Please answer the following question:
Michael Bay movies are:
A. Awesome
B. Awful
If you answered A, go out and have sex with as many people as possible as soon as you can! If you answered B, the new universe is going to be pretty sweet my friends.
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