You Mean You Forgot Cranberries Too?: Breaking Down the Best Christmas Song of All Time (491)

I don't take naming the best Christmas song of all of time lightly.  I've been listening to hours of Christmas music since Thanksgiving has ended to get myself pumped for my annual Christmas party this weekend.  In conclusion, I've come up with a few factors that make a hall of fame Christmas song.  They are as follows:

1.  Horns.  Hearing a brass instrument is like receiving a swift kick to the ass.  If you're listening to Christmas songs for hours on end, the ones with a horn section always stand out.  If you're in a department store you won't even realize what song you're listening to until a song with horns comes on.  They're like an alarm clock that scream, "Wake the hell up and drink some egg nog!"
2.  Auxiliary percussion.  Xylophones, tambourines, wood blocks, sleigh bells, cow bells, taco bells.  You need weird percussion to remind people that you can not listen to this song after December.  How many top 40 hits feature sleigh bells? 
3.  No cryptic references to some creepy wizard baby.  Nothing brings a Christmas party/song down like getting all religious.  Christmas is no time to get preachy.  Save it for Easter.  Incidentally, I always thought Christmas was the celebration of the birth of Toby from the Labyrinth.  You know, the babe with the power.  Isn't that why David Bowie was singing with Bing Crosby.  Also, was there ever anybody in the history of time named Bing other than Bing Crosby?
4.  The song has to get you into the Christmas spirit no matter how many times you hear it.  By Christmas spirit, I mean drinking heavily, having fun with friends and family, and being somewhat pleasant to people you would normally run over with your car. 

There are many songs that fit this template, but three stood out for me. 

3. "What Christmas Means to Me" by Stevie Wonder.  This song is a straight up jam.  Stevie sings the living hell out of it like he does with everything.  If this comes on in my car, I immediately start doing the Stevie head bob and buy a gift for the next person I'm going to see that day.  This is one of the few Christmas songs ever made that could be a hit any time of the year if the lyrics were changed.  However, since Stevie Wonder is super positive about pretty much everything, it doesn't lift my spirits up as much as the next two songs.

2. "Snoopy's Christmas" by The Royal Guardsmen.  Honestly, it was very hard not pick this as my number one song.  It's an accomplishment to write a great Christmas song, but to write a great Christmas song about a cartoon dog flying a plane and fighting a World War I ace fighter pilot is just astounding.  The Red Barron could have killed Snoopy!  Seriously, he had Snoopy in his sights and Snoopy's plane had ice on the wings!  It was 40 below!  The kraut bastards could have won the effing war!  The history of the world was at the Barron's trigger finger tip.  But no!  He heard Christmas bells and instead decided to force Snoopy to land in the Rhine, where they proceeded to get bombed before flying around again.  Really?  This happened?  This is a song that children listen to?  The only reason this doesn't make number one is that I suspect Charles Schultz was secretly a Nazi sympathizer.  Look it up.  He had a chance to gun down a Nazi in WWII and claimed he forgot how to load his machine gun.  A likely story. 

1.  "Christmas Wrapping" by the Waitresses.  This one is just four minutes of perfection.  Everything about it is amazing.  I decided that this really deserves a full breakdown.  Here we go...

It's important to note that at the time of this recording, The Wairesses' lead vocalist, Pattie Donahue, was fresh off setting the world record for the least amount of shit given: 0.  This record would later be matched by DMX in the 90's.  From the day she was born, up to and after the Waitresses' smash single "I Know What Boys Want," Pattie Donahue did not give a shit about anything.  She knew what boys wanted, and she didn't even care!  Now she was poised to record vocals on a Christmas song.  Sounds like a disaster, doesn't it?  We'll see. 

OK, so the song starts out with some sweet auxiliary percussion.  Well played The Waitresses.  And what follows the auxiliary percussion?  Horns of course!  And these are some intense horns too.  If I was a medieval king, I would have this horn part played before any of my messengers read an important scroll.  So, we're about 15 seconds into the song and it already has two of the four required ingredients.  In addition, it also has already established the greatest bass line in any Christmas song ever.  It's not even a contest, this is just an amazing bass line.  Next comes the hard part.  It's time for Pattie to sing. 

"Bah, humbug!" No, that's too strong
'Cause it is my favorite holiday
But all this year's been a busy blur
Don't think I have the energy

That's Pattie for you.  Starting a Christmas song off with Bah, humbug!  It looks like some things will never change.  But wait...it's her favorite holiday?  For a second I thought she may have had emotions, but I'm sure I'll be proven wrong.  I mean, she doesn't even have the energy to celebrate Christmas.

To add to my already mad rush
Just 'cause it's 'tis the season.
The perfect gift for me would be
Completions and connections left from

One problem here.  Isn't 'tis a shortened version of it is?  And isn't it's a shortened version of it is?  If so she just said "Just 'cause it is it is the season".  EB White would not be happy.

Last year, ski shop,
Encounter, most interesting.
Had his number but never the time
Most of '81 passed along those lines.

Shocker.  Pattie met a guy, got his number, and did nothing with it.  How busy could she have been in 1981?  I know the Internet wasn't around yet which probably caused some inefficiencies, but she's in a band called The Waitresses, which means she was more than likely a musician and/or a waitress.  Try getting a 40 hour a week job before you complain that you're busy.

So deck those halls, trim those trees
Raise up cups of Christmas cheer,
I just need to catch my breath,
Christmas by myself this year.

Christmas cliches followed by Pattie continuing to remind us she doesn't give a shit.

Calendar picture, frozen landscape,
Chilled this room for twenty-four days,
Evergreens, sparkling snow
Get this winter over with!

Hate to tell you Pattie, but it's only been winter for three days. 

Flashback to springtime, saw him again,
Would've been good to go for lunch,
Couldn't agree when we were both free,
We tried, we said we'd keep in touch.

You saw this guy three months ago and got his number.  Now you see him again and you can't find time to go to lunch?  I thought you knew what boys wanted?  Give him what he wants Pattie.  Give him what he wants!

Didn't, of course, 'til summertime,
Out to the beach to his boat could I join him?
No, this time it was me,
Sunburn in the third degree.

OK, now it's been six months and he's still inviting you out to his boat?  He must be really ugly if he's rich and is still hanging on to your number.  Also, I think you'd need to be on the sun to get third degree sunburn.  I hope he's not a doctor because there's no way he's buying that excuse.

Now the calendar's just one page
And, of course, I am excited
Tonight's the night, but I've set my mind
Not to do too much about it.

Pattie's excited?  Could she possibly care that it's Christmas?  Maybe.  While you contemplate that, how about another bad ass horn break? 

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
But I think I'll miss this one this year.
So, she says that like a thousand times.  We get it.  She's missing Christmas because she's Pattie Donahue and she doesn't give a shit.

Hardly dashing through the snow
Cause I bundled up too tight
Last minute have-to-do's
A few cards a few calls
'Cause it's r-s-v-p
No thanks, no party lights
It's Christmas Eve, gonna relax
Turned down all of my invites.

Your just too damn cool for Christmas parties aren't you?  You're impervious to feeling Christmas cheer.  Go to hell Pattie Donahue!

Last fall I had a night to myself,
Same guy called, halloween party,
Waited all night for him to show,
This time his car wouldn't go,

Does anyone else find it kind of weird that she only hears from this guy once a season?  Also, he can afford a boat, but not a car that runs?  I'm beginning to think Pattie is making this dude up.

Forget it, it's cold, it's getting late,
Trudge on home to celebrate
In a quiet way, unwind
Doing Christmas right this time.

Doing Christmas right is staying home by yourself?  Wow.  You've outdone yourself Pattie.

A&P has provided me
With the world's smallest turkey
Already in the oven, nice and hot
Oh damn! Guess what I forgot?

What did you forget Pattie?  Was it that Christmas was meant to be spent with friends and family?  Was it that being a shut-in isn't fun around the holidays?  Was it that a magic baby was born to save your smug ass?  I hope not.  We made it so far without a Jesus reference.  Let's not ruin it now.

So on with the boots, back out in the snow
To the only all-night grocery,
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
In the line is that guy I've been chasing all year!

Oh...you just needed groceries.  And of course you would see that guy you've been chasing all year.  It's the beginning of another season.  Are you not catching on to the formula?

"I'm spending this one alone," he said.
"Need a break; this year's been crazy."
I said, "Me too, but why are you?
You mean you forgot cranberries too?"

This explains a lot.  The guy seems to care just about as much as Pattie.  A young DMX perhaps?  I guess we'll never know.  Either way, this explains why the two of them could never get in touch.  Also, cranberries?  Maybe this is just artistic license.  I hope she means cranberry sauce.  Otherwise this is just weird, and it's made even weirder that the dude is buying them as well.  I always hoped that when she asked him that question he would awkwardly respond, "Uh, no...cigarettes."

Then suddenly we laughed and laughed
Caught on to what was happening
That Christmas magic's brought this tale
To a very happy ending! "

Wait, what?  Happy ending?  You mean Christmas even got Pattie Donahue excited?  You saw the exclamation point at the end of the verse, right?  This is incredible!  This totally sells me on the song.  It gets me in the Christmas spirit every time Pattie's cold, black heart melts in the fluorescent glow of the supermarket.  So what was it that made Pattie care?  Well, in the 80's they'd say that Pattie Donahue's shit giver gave two shits that day.

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Couldn't miss this one this year!