The KKK Took My Baby Away (458)

The KKK is a repugnant organization that is a symbol of American ignorance.  For years they have been spreading their disgusting doctrine to the masses, and to my surprise their popularity has recently continued to grow.  However, I could have never imagined that they would have made their way into my life.  Not only have they infiltrated my home, but they have brainwashed my poor wife, to the point that they are now her only focus.  They must be stopped.  Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe are a menace that are destroying the fabric of American society.  If you truly care for those you love, stop the KKK from destroying them before it is too late. 

Detecting the Early Stages of KKK Brainwashing
Early symptoms of KKK brainwash include, but are not limited to:
1. Referring to any of the Kardashians by only their first name in normal conversation as if they are mutual friends of those speaking.  Example: "Can you believe Khole has to leave LA to move to Dallas?  Where will she find a good Thai fusion restaurant?"  When you start asking yourself, "Do we have a friend named Kourtney/Kim/Khloe that I am forgetting about", your loved one may already be infected.
2. Persistent talk about buying boots, how cute someone else's boots are, or the actual purchase of boots outside one's practical purchasing power.  Example: My wife took out a $20,000 home equity loan to buy a pair of super cute boots, wore them once, and then starting talking about buying more boots.
3. Slurring of words, slowing one's verbal pace, and gradually lowering the pitch of one's voice while talking behind someone else's back.  Example: "Oh my god, can you believe Sarah bought thatuglyeffingscrafandworeitwiththoseawfulpairofblippityblopblahblah?"  As the pitch and pace grow lower and slower the words eventually become inaudible to those uninfected. 



From left to right: Khloe, Kim, and
Kourtney at a Miami KKK rally in 2011



Preventing Full Infection



The most common forms of treatment for early stage KKK infection are:

1. Switching your DVR cable box for a normal cable box without recording capability.  An uninfected patient could easily tell the difference, but those with early stage KKK will only be able to make high pitch whining sounds.

2. Assume all grocery shopping responsibilities.  If the infected patient is unable to access tabloid magazines the infection will eventually weaken.

Symptoms of Full Infection

Patients displaying any of these symptoms should be immediately treated:

1. Watching the Kim and Kris wedding on repeat and sobbing uncontrollably.

2. Changing one's first name so that it begins with a "K" when it should clearly begin with a different letter.  For example, spelling Carly as Karly.

3. The inability to form multi-syllabic words and drooling in between noises. 

Treatment for Advanced KKK

Though not 100% effective there are some treatments for advanced KKK that have been known to result in remission. 

1. Cutting off all media access.  Cable and Internet service must be shut off, and tabloid magazines must be avoided at all costs.  The infected patient will no longer be able to provide these services for themselves as they have spent all of their income on boots. 

2. Re-train the infected brain.  Start by reading children's books to the infected patient.  Pop up books work especially well for early stimulation.  As the patient begins to comprehend what is being read, they may be able to advance to young adult material and eventually may learn to read again. 

Wiping Out the KKK for Good

The KKK will continue to exist in this country as long as we allow our friends, family, and significant others to be exposed to them.  Be proactive and have your cable provider block the E! Network.  Practice safe media.  Avoid morning radio shows on top 40 stations.  Stay away from long super market lines that may contain enticing photographs of the KKK in their new boots.  And most importantly, be there for the ones you love.  If someone you love mentions the KKK, change the god damn subject.