Take This All of You and Eat It: The Gospel According to Barlich

A few weeks ago I was at St. David's Church on Villanova's campus watching my cousin's confirmation and scoping out the pews for Kerry Kittles.  It was very difficult for me to concentrate because Karly, a known heathen, was continually asking me questions about what in the hell was going on.  I answered her to the best of my capability, but slowly realized that I had forgotten a lot since CCD...and Catholic high school...and Catholic college.  Essentially, keeping out of Churches other than for weddings and other random acts of sacrament since 2001 had rendered me ignorant on many non-secular topics.  At this point, as if it were a competition to see who had become the most blasphemous over the last ten years, other members of my family started asking questions that they could no longer answer themselves.  This had become embarrassing.  It's not like I'm a regular Charlie Church, but I don't like losing knowledge in general, so I decided to take a of couple weeks to field questions, and do my own research to get to the bottom of some of the Catholic Church's most burning questions.  Let me proclaim the mystery of faith.  I hope this is educational for everyone.  

Whats are the seven sacraments?  I can only come up with six.

This can easily be Googled, but to be fair, I was in Church while I was asked this one, and using a smart phone in church is frowned upon.  Here they are.  This is specifically the Irish Catholic interpretation of the sacraments.  I think the Italians interpret them a bit differently.  

1. Baptism: absolves a newborn for being born with sexual organs.

2. Reconciliation: it's time to confess about what you did with your sexual organs.

3. Eucharist: this bread tastes worse than a sexual organ. 

4. Confirmation: I promise I won't use my sexual organs.

5. Matrimony: I can finally use my sexual organs!

6. Holy Orders: I'll never use my sexual organs.

7. Anointing of the Sick: I probably deserve this for using my sexual organs.

Do people with Celiac disease go straight to hell?

My first assumption was that of course people with Celiac disease are going to hell.  Why would God administer a punishment as harsh as not being able to drink beer to a person unless they were wicked?  I mean, God doesn't let bad things happen to good people, right?  Right?  When I first began my research it looked like I was correct.  It turns out that Canon law requires that alter bread used during the Eucharist must be made of wheat and water.  In addition, the Vatican has ruled that alter bread must contain enough gluten to attain the "confection of bread," which is surprising because the Vatican has never really been super strict with Canon law.  However, a Celiac can receive Christ by drinking him instead of eating him.  There is one caveat however.  The priest mixes the host and the wine in some holy cocktail when he performs his magic spell on the alter, so the Celiac cannot take the wine from the priest's chalice.  Therefore, if you were a Celiac, you likely had to slip the priest five dollars and a solo cup before mass so you could avoid going to hell for another week.  Here's the good news.  The Congregation of the Benedictine Sisters of Perpetual Adoration have developed a host that only contains 0.01% gluten and still conforms to the requirements of the Code of Canon Law, canon 924.2!!!  Oh you Benedictine nuns, you are perpetually adorable!  So, to recap, Celiacs can avoid going to hell, but they do experience hell on earth by being denied sweet, sweet gluten.  Let's stay on a similar topic with the next question.

Have you thought about different flavors for the wafers? Maybe a cream filled Jesus sandwich cookie? Regional or seasonal flavorings? I've heard wrapping things in Doritos is also very popular at the moment. Might be a good way to increase obese and/or youth participation.

Well obviously I've thought of cream filled Jesus sandwich cookies, but I assume the question is, has the Church?  Based on what I've noted above, Canon Law states that the host can only be made of wheat and water.  This means no Doritos or cream filling unfortunately.  I think the root of the issue here is the Canon Law.  The fat and the young are walking away from the Catholic Church in record numbers.  The fat do not want to wait an extra hour before breakfast on Sunday.  The young, well they have other issues to concern themselves with.  Changing up the host could do the trick.  Honestly, if I were Jesus, I wouldn't want to be a bland wafer.  The bread that the Apostles ate with Jesus was probably pretty damn good, probably as good as that pumpernickel you get from the Outback.  It's time we gave Jesus his flavor back.  I always thought beef jerky would be a pretty good substitute.  It lasts long and it's packed with flavor.  Kind of like Jesus's teachings?  Sure, why not?

Free will or divine plan?

Uh...divine plan.  Was that really ever in question?  Maybe you meant "Free Willy" or divine plan.  In that case, it was God's will to free Willy.  Otherwise the whale would have crushed that kid when he was jumping over the jetty.  Also, the Michael Jackson song was not God's idea.  

The Church doesn't like abortions and it doesn't like gays.  The gays won't be having abortions. Shouldn't they like that?

The problem with that statement is that the Church wants more people, specifically more Catholics. More Catholics means more donations.  Aborted children do not make good catholics, and they're typically not good tippers.  Gay couples can not biologically create children, so the Church wants nothing to do with them.  What the Church fails to realize is that many gay couples now have children and are raising them non-Catholic since the Church frowns upon their sexual preference.  My guess is that once the Vatican gets word on all the money they're missing out on, they'll be building more churches in P-Town.  

Which of the religions is most incorrect?

They are all equally incorrect in the eyes of the Lord and anyone who does not obey the laws of the Catholic Church to the letter will go to hell.  Go directly to hell.  Do not pass Allah.  Do not collect 200 virgins.  

Why would you try to make a congregation full of adults and children say the word "transubstantiation" simultaneously? 

More than anything, mass is about penance.  This is why there are no cushions in the pews, the readings from the Old Testament make no sense, the people with the worst voices sing the loudest, the person next to you smells, and you have to say "transubstantiation" hungover on a Sunday morning.  Although this can also be explained by the Church's big push on transubstantiation back in the 80's.  In an effort to get more kids interested in coming to Church, they televised a Saturday morning cartoon on ABC called "Transubstantiatiors" about robots who turned into bread.  

Why are Jesus and Santa on par with each other?

Whoa, wait a minute.  Jesus and Santa are way, way different.  Santa can see when you are sleeping, but he can only know when you are awake.  Jesus can see you when you are sleeping and he can see you when you are awake.  Besides, Santa is just made up and Jesus is...

How is it determined which atrocities are God's will and which are because of "the gays?"

The general rule of thumb is that if you or a loved one are experiencing hardships, then it is God's will. However, if hardships are suffered on a scale that requires coverage by CNN, then it's because of the gays.  God would never will suffering to that degree.  However, if the gays can accomplish this, then this means they are more powerful than God.  By definition God is omnipotent, which either means there is no God, or the gays are God.  I should give the Westboro Baptist Church a heads up on this.  I imagine that they'll feel rather foolish. 

Why the Pope Mobile?  Is plexiglass greater than God's will?

Trick question, plexiglass is God's will.  

Will the Church ever franchise?

Franchising has been a sore subject since Luther nailed his theses pieces™ to the cathedral door.  Ever since, the Vatican has been super into centralized power.  Independent operators are strictly forbidden.  Why do you think you have to make all those weird motions before the Gospel?  These are clearly gang signs.  What other reason would explain why you would be required to make imaginary pretzels over your mouth, heart, and small intestine whenever Matthew, Mark, Luke or John are mentioned?  When the protestants broke off, they already knew all the secret oaths and signals.  They could have easily infiltrated the Church and learned how the Catholics were planning on destroying them.  Therefore, new gang signals (Gospel pretzels) and creeds were established.  If you were caught saying the Apostles Creed or god forbid, the Apollo Creed, instead of the Nicene Creed at the end of mass, you would be immediately identified as a heretic and burned at the stake.  So no, I can't see the Church franchising soon.  Although I'd love to see a McDonald's-like sign in front of a church that reads "One Billion Saved."  Actually, I'm almost certain that a church in the south has already done this. 

If God is able to do anything, may this mean He is able to make a mountain more heavy than He is able to lift?

That just hurt my brain.  

What's with the hats?

This was asked by several people.  The hats are necessary so that the common man can recognize how much more inferior and less holy he is to member a of the priesthood.  In general, the taller and more pointy the hat, they way more corrupt, I mean holy, the man.  Your typical, run of the mill priest only gets to rock a yamaka, which can be confusing since this is typically associated with the Jewish faith.  However, fret not because priests generally wear some pretty elaborate robes with the yamaka which even a Jewish drag queen wouldn't consider wearing.  Then you get to your Bishops.  Bishops are confusing because their hats almost look like the Pope hat, but relax, they're not even cardinals yet.  If you are in a pinch and can't tell if the dude at your nephew's communion is the Pope or just some lame Bishop, remember this quick tip.  Bishops can only move diagonally.  If that son of a bitch is walking in a straight line, you better be on your best behavior because that guy is the Pope.  Now, Cardinals break with the big hat rule.  They wear a hat that isn't very pointy or tall.  However, it is very distinctive.  Generally, it looks like a fez with a red bra on top of it.  Why the red bra you ask?  'Cause Cardinals be pimpin'.  Finally, you have your Pope hat.  Essentially, this is just a Bishop hat except it's even taller and pointier, and also it's covered in gold.  It's shaped like a biggie sized McDonald's french fry container so the Pope has a place to keep his list of priests he should probably defrock, but never will (big lists require big hats).  Hopefully, you can now recognize your holy man.  

Is the poop deck really what I think it is?

This isn't really a Catholic Church related question, but I feel like I should answer it anyway.  No, it is not what you think it is.  Poop deck gets it's name from the French word for stern: la poupe, from Latin puppis.  It really just means the stern deck.  Speaking of Latin...

Why was Latin mass ever necessary?

After science was discovered most of the educated world spoke Latin.  The poor and disenfranchised, however, did not.  The educated tended to be the wealthy.  The wealthy enjoyed their status, but were petrified that the poor would ultimately unite and uproot the social order.  Therefore, they pushed Catholicism pretty hard, giving the poor hope that a better life awaited them so long as they didn't do anything awful.  Unfortunately, stories about a dude changing water into wine and coming back from the dead just seemed to damned ridiculous to be believed by anyone, so the wealthy urged the Church to read the mass in Latin so that the poor would be none the wiser.  Fortunately for the wealthy the one thing the Catholic Church loves more than Jesus is money, so they agreed.  By the time the language of the mass was changed to the congregations' native tongue, the Catholic tradition and culture was so ingrained that even educated people would believe that people could walk on water.  You can read more about my theories in my upcoming manuscript: Das Capital.  

I have trouble with the Trinity. Is the 3 in 1 deal like a 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner?  How can you have three wholes in one of anything?  Math tells me that's impossible.  Reminds me of when my coach told me to give 110%.  He and I both know that that just can't happen.

Remember this?  Case closed.

Do alter boys have alter egos?

Of course!  At mass, they play the super dedicated servant to the Catholic Church, while in everyday life they play the boy who is really, really good at keeping secrets.  

Why is it so hard to become a saint?

Miracles are not easy.  Have you ever tried to get your dead face to appear on a tortilla in Mexico?  Even if you did, you still have two more miracles to go.  Admittedly, this is pretty difficult, but would you want your saints to be average Joe's?  St. Larry, St. Mo, St. Beyonce?  These just don't sound holy.    It's bad enough that Beyonce doesn't get a red line for spell check, do we need her to be a saint?  Three Grammys takes just as much talent as making funny faces at a Super Bowl halftime show.  Sainthood should not be a vote in reality program.  If you didn't have an absolutely, miserably boring life devoted to feeding ugly people then you don't deserve to be a saint.

What is the alcohol content of Jesus's blood?

Jesus's blood is 40% alcohol by volume.  Please enjoy Jesus's blood responsibly.  

When is the next scheduled Holy War?  In the event of a Holy War, is the Pope General of the army?

Unless you count IRA bombings, it's been quite some time since a good, old fashioned Holy War.  Holy Wars kind of fell out of favor once the fundamental Muslims started them up again.  It's like when white people start using black lingo and it becomes totally lame.  When's the last time you heard a black dude say "raise the roof?"  Once the Holy War fad dies out for about a decade, the Catholic Church will likely go all retro and it will become cool again like the high top haircut.  When it does, it's tough to say who the general will be.  The Pope used to be more like the president.  He'd be the commander and chief, but he wouldn't be out in the field.  Generally, the top member of the Church's chief skull crackers, the Jesuits, would lead the charge.  However, now that the top Jesuit is the Pope, this muddies the waters.  There's a pretty high likelihood that the Pope could get his finger nails dirty much like Bill Pullman in Independence Day.  Personally, I'd love to see the Pope fly a fighter jet.  Can we at least get a Will Smith/Jeff Goldblum vehicle together to put this on screen.  Will Smith would be a lock for Pope.  And Cardinal Goldblum...well that just sounds amazing.  Arch Bishop Firestein?  I could just keep going.  

Does the Pope shit in the woods?

Now we're talking about my true religion: Duderonomy.  In The Big Lebowski, Jackie Treehorn asks if the Dude wants a refill, to which he responds, "Does the Pope shit in the woods?"  Clearly the Dude wants another caucasian, which means the answer must be yes.  Therefore, the Pope does, in fact, shit in the woods.    

We All Got Old at Break-Neck Speed (0)

Well, it's been 500 days and I'm still alive.  It feels a little bit weird being 30, but I feel like I definitely got the most out of my 20's, so there's no reason for me to be depressed.  Plus, all my favorite Phillies are in their 30's, and they're showing no signs of slowing down, right...right?  Either way, I see no reason for me to stop writing.  However, it wouldn't make sense to keep my blog title since my 500 days have expired.  Therefore, I did some advanced research to see how long I have left on this earth.  The "Living to 100 Life Expectancy Calculator" is certain that I will live to 90 years old.  This means my first 30 years was only the first third of my life.  It also means I still have 60 more years of screaming at the Phillies, driving Karly insane, drinking too much beer, watching the Big Lebowski, camping, marching in the Mummers Parade, going to the Electric Factory, and telling stories you've heard a thousand times before.  I can't wait to start today!  Henceforth, this blog will be known as 10,958 days of Barlich.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I will.

I Can't Believe I Ate the Whole Thing (2)

With the Phils home opener coming up, and Jackson's Fast For a Catcher art show this Friday, I've been constantly thinking about baseball.  There's a lot that goes into making a great baseball player, but apart from natural ability, I believe diet can go a long way in developing a raw athlete into a major league power house.  It's clear that the optimal baseball diet must be different from a diet that makes a great basketball player, hockey player, etc.  You don't see guys like Pablo Sandoval or Prince Fielder excelling in many other professional sports.  It has become abundantly clear to me, that the professional baseball player's diet must be approached from a different angle.  I have pasted the traditional food pyramid below, which stresses balance among certain food groups.  Many doctors will tell you this balanced diet will lead to a healthier lifestyle, but they'd be flat out liars if they told you it would make you a better baseball player. I have approached the ideal professional baseball player's diet in a similar fashion, balancing out certain food groups.  However, portions among food groups are drastically different.

Traditional Food Pyramid for Nerds

You'll notice that the nerd food pyramid emphasizes eating higher portions of fruits and vegetables, and less fats and oils.  This could not be further from the opposite when approaching the optimal baseball diet.  It should be noted that this diet is for hitters only, as it is impossible to figure out any sort of pattern with pitchers since they are by nature, berserk.  Let's explore.

Vegetables:

A major league hitter's worst enemy is the vegetable.  They're as dangerous as a turnip in Mario 2.  One should try to avoid a head of lettuce or a can of corn at all costs, and who would want to be caught in a pickle?  Hitters who expect to have more than just a cup of coffee in the majors need to revert from their so called "healthy" lifestyle and cut vegetables completely out of their diet.  Sure, those lanky midfielders like Omar Vizquel can really sling the pea, but you'll rarely see them hitting dingers. 

Milk, Yogurt, and Cheese:

Lay off the high cheese.  In fact, cheese in general is not your friend.  Dairy is more of a pitcher's food.  You don't want to end up like John Rocker, do you?

Fortified Cereal, Bread, Rice, and Pasta:

For the most part, all the garbage above is just empty carbs.  If you want to hit the ace's bread and butter pitch, just make sure you eat your Wheaties.  If you're not into Wheaties, Lenny Dykstra's special vitamins should probably do the trick as well. 

Fruit:

Certain fruits can be mixed in, but just make sure you eat them whole.  You could really hurt yourself by passing up on a grapefruit and opting for jam.  

Fats, Oils, and Sweets:

Now, we'll begin to focus on the food groups that will really benefit the major league hitter.  If you want to be a real cracker jack batter, you'll need to start racking up the Ding Dongs.  Sure, going for the Ding Dong may lead a real lollipop now and then, but you need to make sure you're bashing those cookies.  The outfielders won't be making snow cone catches if the ball is hit out of the yard.  However, please do take precaution.  Sweets in excess can lead to injury.  Take advise from Kevin Mitchell and make sure you don't microwave your donut to extreme temperatures.  You could melt the filling in your teeth and need root canal surgery (for real...this actually happened).

Meat, Poultry, Fish, Dry Beans, and Nuts:

Take as many meatballs, salamis, and ribbies as you can get your hands on.  Even if it earns you the occasional bean ball, you won't see any goose eggs up on the score board, even if the pitcher is putting some mustard on it.  I heard Wade Boggs stuck to a strict meat and beer diet for the majority of his career, and everybody knows that Wade Boggs hits home runs everywhere. 

If you stick to the diet above you can easily have the physique and athletic prowess of the greatest baseball player of all time.  You'll have to fight the ladies off with a stick.