A few weeks ago I was at St. David's Church on
Villanova's campus watching my cousin's confirmation and scoping out the pews
for Kerry Kittles. It was very difficult for me to concentrate because
Karly, a known heathen, was continually asking me questions about what in the
hell was going on. I answered her to the best of my capability, but
slowly realized that I had forgotten a lot since CCD...and Catholic high
school...and Catholic college. Essentially, keeping out of Churches other
than for weddings and other random acts of sacrament since 2001 had rendered me
ignorant on many non-secular topics. At this point, as if it were a
competition to see who had become the most blasphemous over the last ten years,
other members of my family started asking questions that they could no longer
answer themselves. This had become embarrassing. It's not like I'm
a regular Charlie Church, but I don't like losing knowledge in general, so I
decided to take a of couple weeks to field questions, and do my own research to
get to the bottom of some of the Catholic Church's most burning questions.
Let me proclaim the mystery of faith. I hope this is educational
for everyone.
Whats are the seven sacraments? I can only
come up with six.
This can easily be Googled, but to be fair, I was
in Church while I was asked this one, and using a smart phone in church is
frowned upon. Here they are. This is specifically the Irish
Catholic interpretation of the sacraments. I think the Italians interpret
them a bit differently.
1. Baptism: absolves a newborn for being born with
sexual organs.
2. Reconciliation: it's time to confess about what
you did with your sexual organs.
3. Eucharist: this bread tastes worse than a sexual
organ.
4. Confirmation: I promise I won't use my sexual
organs.
5. Matrimony: I can finally use my sexual organs!
6. Holy Orders: I'll never use my sexual organs.
7. Anointing of the Sick: I probably deserve this
for using my sexual organs.
Do people with Celiac disease go straight to hell?
My first assumption was that of course people with
Celiac disease are going to hell. Why would God administer a punishment
as harsh as not being able to drink beer to a person unless they were wicked?
I mean, God doesn't let bad things happen to good people, right?
Right? When I first began my research it looked like I was correct.
It turns out that Canon law requires that alter bread used during the
Eucharist must be made of wheat and water. In addition, the Vatican has
ruled that alter bread must contain enough gluten to attain the
"confection of bread," which is surprising because the Vatican has
never really been super strict with Canon law. However, a Celiac can
receive Christ by drinking him instead of eating him. There is one caveat
however. The priest mixes the host and the wine in some holy cocktail
when he performs his magic spell on the alter, so the Celiac cannot take the
wine from the priest's chalice. Therefore, if you were a Celiac, you
likely had to slip the priest five dollars and a solo cup before mass so you
could avoid going to hell for another week. Here's the good news.
The Congregation of the Benedictine Sisters of Perpetual Adoration have
developed a host that only contains 0.01% gluten and still conforms to the requirements
of the Code of Canon Law, canon 924.2!!! Oh you Benedictine nuns, you are
perpetually adorable! So, to recap, Celiacs can avoid going to hell, but
they do experience hell on earth by being denied sweet, sweet gluten.
Let's stay on a similar topic with the next question.
Have you thought about different
flavors for the wafers? Maybe a cream filled Jesus sandwich cookie? Regional or
seasonal flavorings? I've heard wrapping things in Doritos is also very popular
at the moment. Might be a good way to increase obese and/or youth
participation.
Well obviously I've thought of cream
filled Jesus sandwich cookies, but I assume the question is, has the Church?
Based on what I've noted above, Canon Law states that the host can only
be made of wheat and water. This means no Doritos or cream filling
unfortunately. I think the root of the issue here is the Canon Law.
The fat and the young are walking away from the Catholic Church in record
numbers. The fat do not want to wait an extra hour before breakfast on
Sunday. The young, well they have other issues to concern themselves
with. Changing up the host could do the trick. Honestly, if I were
Jesus, I wouldn't want to be a bland wafer. The bread that the Apostles
ate with Jesus was probably pretty damn good, probably as good as that
pumpernickel you get from the Outback. It's time we gave Jesus his flavor
back. I always thought beef jerky would be a pretty good substitute.
It lasts long and it's packed with flavor. Kind of like Jesus's
teachings? Sure, why not?
Free will or divine plan?
Uh...divine plan. Was that
really ever in question? Maybe you meant "Free Willy" or divine
plan. In that case, it was God's will to free Willy. Otherwise the
whale would have crushed that kid when he was jumping over the jetty.
Also, the Michael Jackson song was not God's idea.
The Church doesn't like abortions and
it doesn't like gays. The gays won't be having abortions. Shouldn't they
like that?
The problem with that statement is
that the Church wants more people, specifically more Catholics. More Catholics
means more donations. Aborted children do not make good catholics, and
they're typically not good tippers. Gay couples can not biologically
create children, so the Church wants nothing to do with them. What the
Church fails to realize is that many gay couples now have children and are
raising them non-Catholic since the Church frowns upon their sexual preference.
My guess is that once the Vatican gets word on all the money they're
missing out on, they'll be building more churches in P-Town.
Which of the religions is most
incorrect?
They are all equally incorrect in the
eyes of the Lord and anyone who does not obey the laws of the Catholic Church
to the letter will go to hell. Go directly to hell. Do not pass
Allah. Do not collect 200 virgins.
Why would you try to make a
congregation full of adults and children say the word
"transubstantiation" simultaneously?
More than anything, mass is about
penance. This is why there are no cushions in the pews, the readings from
the Old Testament make no sense, the people with the worst voices sing the
loudest, the person next to you smells, and you have to say
"transubstantiation" hungover on a Sunday morning. Although
this can also be explained by the Church's big push on transubstantiation back
in the 80's. In an effort to get more kids interested in coming to
Church, they televised a Saturday morning cartoon on ABC called
"Transubstantiatiors" about robots who turned into bread.
Why are Jesus and Santa on par with
each other?
Whoa, wait a minute. Jesus and
Santa are way, way different. Santa can see when you are sleeping, but he
can only know when you are awake. Jesus can see you when you are sleeping
and he can see you when you are awake. Besides, Santa is
just made up and Jesus is...
How is it determined which atrocities
are God's will and which are because of "the gays?"
The general rule of thumb is that if
you or a loved one are experiencing hardships, then it is God's will. However,
if hardships are suffered on a scale that requires coverage by CNN, then it's
because of the gays. God would never will suffering to that degree.
However, if the gays can accomplish this, then this means they are more
powerful than God. By definition God is omnipotent, which either means
there is no God, or the gays are God. I should give the Westboro Baptist
Church a heads up on this. I imagine that they'll feel rather
foolish.
Why the Pope Mobile? Is
plexiglass greater than God's will?
Trick question, plexiglass is God's
will.
Will the Church ever franchise?
Franchising has been a sore subject
since Luther nailed his theses pieces™ to the cathedral door. Ever since,
the Vatican has been super into centralized power. Independent operators
are strictly forbidden. Why do you think you have to make all those weird
motions before the Gospel? These are clearly gang signs. What other
reason would explain why you would be required to make imaginary pretzels over
your mouth, heart, and small intestine whenever Matthew, Mark, Luke or John are
mentioned? When the protestants broke off, they already knew all the
secret oaths and signals. They could have easily infiltrated the Church
and learned how the Catholics were planning on destroying them.
Therefore, new gang signals (Gospel pretzels) and creeds were
established. If you were caught saying the Apostles Creed or god forbid,
the Apollo Creed, instead of the Nicene Creed at the end of mass, you would be
immediately identified as a heretic and burned at the stake. So no, I
can't see the Church franchising soon. Although I'd love to see a
McDonald's-like sign in front of a church that reads "One Billion
Saved." Actually, I'm almost certain that a church in the south has
already done this.
If God is able to do
anything, may this mean He is able to make a mountain more heavy than He is
able to lift?
That just hurt my brain.
What's with the hats?
This was asked by several people.
The hats are necessary so that the common man can recognize how much more
inferior and less holy he is to member a of the priesthood. In
general, the taller and more pointy the hat, they way more corrupt, I mean
holy, the man. Your typical, run of the mill priest only gets to rock a
yamaka, which can be confusing since this is typically associated with the
Jewish faith. However, fret not because priests generally wear some
pretty elaborate robes with the yamaka which even a Jewish drag queen wouldn't
consider wearing. Then you get to your Bishops. Bishops are
confusing because their hats almost look like the Pope hat, but relax, they're
not even cardinals yet. If you are in a pinch and can't tell if the dude
at your nephew's communion is the Pope or just some lame Bishop, remember this
quick tip. Bishops can only move diagonally. If that son of a bitch
is walking in a straight line, you better be on your best behavior because that
guy is the Pope. Now, Cardinals break with the big hat rule. They
wear a hat that isn't very pointy or tall. However, it is very
distinctive. Generally, it looks like a fez with a red bra on top of it.
Why the red bra you ask? 'Cause Cardinals be pimpin'. Finally,
you have your Pope hat. Essentially, this is just a Bishop hat except
it's even taller and pointier, and also it's covered in gold. It's shaped
like a biggie sized McDonald's french fry container so the Pope has a place to
keep his list of priests he should probably defrock, but never will (big lists
require big hats). Hopefully, you can now recognize your holy man.
Is the poop deck really what I think
it is?
This isn't really a Catholic Church
related question, but I feel like I should answer it anyway. No, it is
not what you think it is. Poop deck gets it's name from the French word
for stern: la poupe, from Latin puppis. It really just means the stern
deck. Speaking of Latin...
Why was Latin mass ever necessary?
After science was discovered most of
the educated world spoke Latin. The poor and disenfranchised, however,
did not. The educated tended to be the wealthy. The wealthy enjoyed
their status, but were petrified that the poor would ultimately unite and
uproot the social order. Therefore, they pushed Catholicism pretty hard,
giving the poor hope that a better life awaited them so long as they didn't do
anything awful. Unfortunately, stories about a dude changing water into
wine and coming back from the dead just seemed to damned ridiculous to be believed
by anyone, so the wealthy urged the Church to read the mass in Latin so that
the poor would be none the wiser. Fortunately for the wealthy the one
thing the Catholic Church loves more than Jesus is money, so they agreed.
By the time the language of the mass was changed to the congregations' native tongue, the Catholic tradition and culture was so ingrained that even
educated people would believe that people could walk on water. You can
read more about my theories in my upcoming manuscript: Das Capital.
I have trouble with the Trinity. Is
the 3 in 1 deal like a 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner? How can you have
three wholes in one of anything? Math tells me that's impossible.
Reminds me of when my coach told me to give 110%. He and I both
know that that just can't happen.
Remember this? Case closed.
Do alter boys have alter egos?
Of course! At mass, they play
the super dedicated servant to the Catholic Church, while in everyday life they
play the boy who is really, really good at keeping secrets.
Why is it so hard to become a saint?
Miracles are not easy. Have you
ever tried to get your dead face to appear on a tortilla in Mexico? Even
if you did, you still have two more miracles to go. Admittedly, this is
pretty difficult, but would you want your saints to be average Joe's? St.
Larry, St. Mo, St. Beyonce? These just don't sound holy.
It's bad enough that Beyonce doesn't get a red line for spell check, do
we need her to be a saint? Three Grammys takes just as much talent as
making funny faces at a Super Bowl halftime show. Sainthood should not be
a vote in reality program. If you didn't have an absolutely, miserably
boring life devoted to feeding ugly people then you don't deserve to be a
saint.
What is the alcohol content of
Jesus's blood?
Jesus's blood is 40% alcohol by
volume. Please enjoy Jesus's blood responsibly.
When is the next scheduled Holy War?
In the event of a Holy War, is the Pope General of the army?
Unless you count IRA bombings, it's
been quite some time since a good, old fashioned Holy War. Holy Wars kind
of fell out of favor once the fundamental Muslims started them up again.
It's like when white people start using black lingo and it becomes totally
lame. When's the last time you heard a black dude say "raise the
roof?" Once the Holy War fad dies out for about a decade, the
Catholic Church will likely go all retro and it will become cool again like the
high top haircut. When it does, it's tough to say who the general will
be. The Pope used to be more like the president. He'd be the
commander and chief, but he wouldn't be out in the field. Generally, the
top member of the Church's chief skull crackers, the Jesuits, would lead the
charge. However, now that the top Jesuit is the Pope, this muddies the
waters. There's a pretty high likelihood that the Pope could get his
finger nails dirty much like Bill Pullman in Independence Day.
Personally, I'd love to see the Pope fly a fighter jet. Can we at
least get a Will Smith/Jeff Goldblum vehicle together to put this on screen.
Will Smith would be a lock for Pope. And Cardinal Goldblum...well
that just sounds amazing. Arch Bishop Firestein? I could just keep
going.
Does the Pope shit in the woods?
Now we're talking about my true
religion: Duderonomy. In The Big Lebowski, Jackie Treehorn asks if the
Dude wants a refill, to which he responds, "Does the Pope shit in the
woods?" Clearly the Dude wants another caucasian, which means the
answer must be yes. Therefore, the Pope does, in fact, shit in the woods.
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