I Can't Believe I Ate the Whole Thing (2)

With the Phils home opener coming up, and Jackson's Fast For a Catcher art show this Friday, I've been constantly thinking about baseball.  There's a lot that goes into making a great baseball player, but apart from natural ability, I believe diet can go a long way in developing a raw athlete into a major league power house.  It's clear that the optimal baseball diet must be different from a diet that makes a great basketball player, hockey player, etc.  You don't see guys like Pablo Sandoval or Prince Fielder excelling in many other professional sports.  It has become abundantly clear to me, that the professional baseball player's diet must be approached from a different angle.  I have pasted the traditional food pyramid below, which stresses balance among certain food groups.  Many doctors will tell you this balanced diet will lead to a healthier lifestyle, but they'd be flat out liars if they told you it would make you a better baseball player. I have approached the ideal professional baseball player's diet in a similar fashion, balancing out certain food groups.  However, portions among food groups are drastically different.

Traditional Food Pyramid for Nerds

You'll notice that the nerd food pyramid emphasizes eating higher portions of fruits and vegetables, and less fats and oils.  This could not be further from the opposite when approaching the optimal baseball diet.  It should be noted that this diet is for hitters only, as it is impossible to figure out any sort of pattern with pitchers since they are by nature, berserk.  Let's explore.

Vegetables:

A major league hitter's worst enemy is the vegetable.  They're as dangerous as a turnip in Mario 2.  One should try to avoid a head of lettuce or a can of corn at all costs, and who would want to be caught in a pickle?  Hitters who expect to have more than just a cup of coffee in the majors need to revert from their so called "healthy" lifestyle and cut vegetables completely out of their diet.  Sure, those lanky midfielders like Omar Vizquel can really sling the pea, but you'll rarely see them hitting dingers. 

Milk, Yogurt, and Cheese:

Lay off the high cheese.  In fact, cheese in general is not your friend.  Dairy is more of a pitcher's food.  You don't want to end up like John Rocker, do you?

Fortified Cereal, Bread, Rice, and Pasta:

For the most part, all the garbage above is just empty carbs.  If you want to hit the ace's bread and butter pitch, just make sure you eat your Wheaties.  If you're not into Wheaties, Lenny Dykstra's special vitamins should probably do the trick as well. 

Fruit:

Certain fruits can be mixed in, but just make sure you eat them whole.  You could really hurt yourself by passing up on a grapefruit and opting for jam.  

Fats, Oils, and Sweets:

Now, we'll begin to focus on the food groups that will really benefit the major league hitter.  If you want to be a real cracker jack batter, you'll need to start racking up the Ding Dongs.  Sure, going for the Ding Dong may lead a real lollipop now and then, but you need to make sure you're bashing those cookies.  The outfielders won't be making snow cone catches if the ball is hit out of the yard.  However, please do take precaution.  Sweets in excess can lead to injury.  Take advise from Kevin Mitchell and make sure you don't microwave your donut to extreme temperatures.  You could melt the filling in your teeth and need root canal surgery (for real...this actually happened).

Meat, Poultry, Fish, Dry Beans, and Nuts:

Take as many meatballs, salamis, and ribbies as you can get your hands on.  Even if it earns you the occasional bean ball, you won't see any goose eggs up on the score board, even if the pitcher is putting some mustard on it.  I heard Wade Boggs stuck to a strict meat and beer diet for the majority of his career, and everybody knows that Wade Boggs hits home runs everywhere. 

If you stick to the diet above you can easily have the physique and athletic prowess of the greatest baseball player of all time.  You'll have to fight the ladies off with a stick.