Now that we’re less than three years away from hover-boards, flying cars, and a drastic realignment of Major League Baseball enabling the Marlins to beat the Cubs in the 2015 World Series, mainstream access to time travel can’t be far behind. Despite charging my crack team of scientists with inventing time travel over eight years ago, results have been sparse. Lead scientist Dr. E. Pimpinella has yet to produce a single hypothesis that has proven useful. Frankly, I’m thinking of reassigning him to work on Dr. Hammer Jones’s matter transportation device, which has met similar pitfalls. I’m beginning to think that I may not be able to make my fortune off the patent of this device, despite my relentless funding. However, this does not mean that there are not profits to be made from time travel. I have developed several potential ventures that are ripe for profit once the time travel market gets off the ground. These ideas should prove to be much more fruitful, largely due to the fact that I won’t have to prod my way through particle physics equations. It gets tricky with all them numbers. Below are some of my better ideas to date. Investors are wanted.
Who Gives an F about an Oxford
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| Mike Jackson |
For decades, high school and college students alike have been forced to read E.B White’s Elements of Style. Who the hell made E.B. White the spokesperson for correct grammar? His claim to fame is writing a book about a talking pig. I know Orwell did it too, but at least his book was a metaphor. Regardless, E.B. White’s grandchildren are likely rolling around in cash like that glutton Templeton rolls around in carnival garbage due to the copyright on a 90 year old grammar guide. This must change. Once time travel is commonly used, there will be a need for a new tense. A tense that Professor Nolan and myself have formulated and socialite Jon Kelly has helped champion: the futient. The futient tense solves an obvious gap in the post time travel lexicon. Let’s say you traveled five days into the future. While there, you punch Rick Santorum in the face. After bowing and reveling in your standing ovation, you hurry back to your time machine to elude the authorities. When you get back, you want to tell all your friends about your adventure. What do you say? Do you say, “In five days, I will have punched Rick Santorum in the face?” That would be the future perfect tense. This means that after five days passes you will have punched Rick Santorum in the face. While this is true, it can easily be confused. The future perfect is already used to mean you will have accomplished something at some point in the future. However, this does not assume that you have actually already completed the task in the future. For instance, I could say, “By tomorrow night I will have gotten over my hangover.” However, I have not traveled through time and gotten over my hangover. I am simply assuming by that point I will have gotten over it. The futient eliminates this assumption and confirms certainty. The futient is constructed by simply adding “will” before the past tense of a verb. Unlike the future perfect it would not include “have” or “had” between “will” and the past tense of the verb. For instance: “I will punched Rick Santorum in the face.” I am not planning on doing this. I have actually already punched him…in the future. Needless to say, the development of this tense will become increasingly useful, and since I am one of only three experts in the matter, I stand to make a great deal of money off of A.W. Barlich’s Components of Sounding Pretty Sweet. I’ll even throw a few dollars in Nolan and Jon Kelly’s direction.
Lawyers, Guns, and Money…and Copyright Infringement
The more I thought about my style guide, the more worried I was that Nolan would simply travel back in time before I had it copyrighted, and copyright it for himself. Then, in turn, I would go back and do the same thing. This would go on and on until one of us got eaten by a dinosaur. This would likely be the case with most inventions and works of art. This brings about an entire new post time travel market: Forensic Patent Law. Patent attorneys tend to be dry, monotone melvins, but in the future I picture them more akin to Indiana Jones. Picture a team of time traveling investigators with briefcases full of blueprints, solving mysteries. America
Brother Could You Spare $1.8 Billion US
Another one of my initial plans was to save up all my money for one year, travel back to 1841, and buy the United States America , I would ban sports in the state of New York (and Northern New Jersey just as a precaution). However, again I realized that there would be many others with the same idea. Next thing I know The Republic of Nolania is firing nukes at me, and now I’ve got to buy Canada
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