He Was Lying to Me: Things Nicky V. Told Me (442)

In a magical time called the early 90's, before the dawn of the Internet, cellular phones, and reality television, I used to wander down the block donning my Starter pullover jacket toward the Pimpinellas' house.  There I would pass the weekends playing Rad Racer, watching The Naked Gun, pretending to be Fred Barnett, and listening to the elder of the Pimpinella brothers read mayonnaise ingredients off the Hellmann's label as we attempted to repair the Ninja Turtle blimp from another crash landing.  As fun as this all may seem, we still felt the need to leave the house and play outside, usually when we wanted to pretend to be Fred Barnett.  If we were outside for more than a few minutes we would often be joined by the Pimpinellas' neighbor, Nicky V.  I will refer to this individual only as Nicky V. to protect the accused from the all-knowing Google machine.  Nicky V. was a year older than me, which at my age meant he was one cooler.  Apart from his age making him cooler than me in my mind, it also gave his words weight.  When Nicky told me stories, which is what Nicky specialized in, I believed every word.  Some of my other friends who also frequented the Pimpinellas valued Nicky's word as much as I did.  However, looking back twenty years later, I am beginning to think that Nicky V. was full of shit.  I will now make an attempt to disprove several of Nicky's most bold claims.

Nicky V.'s Grandfather was a Vampire
One day, while Turtle and I were riding the bus back from school, Nicky V. approached us and handed us a tattered, yellow piece of paper.  He told us that we could read it so long as we never told anyone what it said.  Don't worry, I'm not breaking my oath now.  I broke it about ten minutes after reading it when I told the Pimpinellas.  The letter was allegedly from Nicky's grandfather.  It explained that he was a vampire, and that if Nicky got rid of any garlic, crosses, wooden stakes, and holy water from his house while he came to visit, Nicky would be spared.  Now at first, Turtle and I laughed behind Nicky's back.  We boasted that we didn't believe in vampires and were sure that Nicky wrote the letter himself.  However, the weekend that Nicky's grandfather visited, and every weekend every year after that, you could be damn sure Turtle and I weren't hanging at the Pimpinellas house after dark.  Now common sense would say that this had to be a falsification, but I am a scientist at heart and would need solid evidence to disprove a theory.  I remember Nicky saying the letter was some sort of old scroll and noted the discoloration to authenticate its age, but even an 6 year old knows what legal stationary looks like.  That's one strike against him.  Secondly, I don't think vampires bite their family members.  I'm pretty sure that's like vampire incest.  That would be like your grandfather threatening to make out with you if you didn't clean your room.  This of course is not hard evidence though.  Nicky was weird.  Maybe his grandfather was too.  One piece of evidence that Nicky does have on his side is that this was before the whole vampire fad.  This may have even been before Interview With a Vampire.  For a 7 year old to come up with this story with zero media influence would be impressive.  It looks like the case is still open on this one.

Nicky V. Was Making Super Genetically Enhanced Crickets
This, according to Nicky, is how you make crickets super human...or super-cricket:
1. Trap cricket in jar.
2. Pour motor oil onto cricket.
3. Let motor oil soaked cricket sit in the summer sun all day and then over night.
4. Crack open motor oil shell and release cricket back into jar.
5. Inject cricket with Nicky's magic serum.
6. Release super cricket back into the wild.
There are several holes in this procedure.  The biggest hole being that I never saw an in tact cricket step out of the motor oil shell.  Sure I saw the motor oil get pured on the cricket, and I saw a live cricket in the jar the next day, but how could I tell if it was the same cricket?  If only Dr. Joe Face had lived near us back then.  Surely he would have developed a more detailed method for tracking the crickets.  Also, I'm fairly positive that Nicky's magic serum was cologne, and the syringe was a sewing needle.  Ultimately, this now sounds like something a serial killer would do as a child.  Hopefully, I stayed on his good side.  Speaking of which, Nicky V. totally turned these crickets into super crickets.  One of them is now the Mayor of Washington Township, NJ.

Nicky V. Was Going to Get Turtle and I Mega Man Suits
OK, this one was total horseshit.  I can easily prove this one wrong.  Nicky told us he knew someone from Japan that was giving him three Mega Man suits.  Naturally, he would keep one of them, but he said he would give the other two to Turtle and I.  I never got my god damn Mega Man suit.  I couldn't sleep for almost six months as the promise continued to be delayed.  All I could think about was tossing aside the clothes my mom laid out for me on the bed in the morning and stepping into my kickass Mega Man suit to get on the bus.  "No talking in the hallway, you say?"  Proton Blast!!!  "I before e except after c, you say?"  Proton Blast!!!  "I talk too much in class Mrs. Rotberg?  Well, how fortunate for you because you won't be able to hear me when your ears have melted along with the rest of your old dumb head from my deadly effing PROTON BLAST!!!"  I'm still livid about this.  I want my Mega Man suit.  I'm sure Turtle will tell you the same thing.

Nicky V. Told Us Nintendo Had a Stealth Jet That Followed Us Around and Stole Our Ideas
Whenever we talked about ideas for a video game, or a movie, or a terrorist plot to high-jack the president's airplane, Nicky always told us to keep it down, and then would look up at the sky.  "They're listening to us," he would say.  Apparently we were the most creative children on the planet.  Nintendo knew this so they had a plane follow us around and tap our conversations.  Any good idea we had would turn into a Nintendo game, or an action figure, or a breakfast cereal.  It was kind of creepy.  I think this story has more validity than any of the others.  I've had many ideas stolen from me.  Futurama stole my surprise funeral idea.  Daniel Tosh stole my falling down an up escalator joke.  South Park stole a myriad of ideas that the Pimpinellas, Geno, and I had come up with about two years before it even debuted.  Most recently, a Christmas card stole Turtle's idea of Human Santa-Pede.  If there's a "Nicky V: The Movie" within six months of this post, don't be surprised.
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So, after carefully analyzing Nicky's stories, I was only able to disprove one of them.  One, I'm sure is true, and the other two I couldn't prove either way.  Maybe Nicky V. wasn't full of shit.  Maybe he's just a understandably paranoid, scientific genius, grandson of a vampire.  I just wish he would use his abilities to make me my god damn Mega Man suit.

The KKK Took My Baby Away (458)

The KKK is a repugnant organization that is a symbol of American ignorance.  For years they have been spreading their disgusting doctrine to the masses, and to my surprise their popularity has recently continued to grow.  However, I could have never imagined that they would have made their way into my life.  Not only have they infiltrated my home, but they have brainwashed my poor wife, to the point that they are now her only focus.  They must be stopped.  Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe are a menace that are destroying the fabric of American society.  If you truly care for those you love, stop the KKK from destroying them before it is too late. 

Detecting the Early Stages of KKK Brainwashing
Early symptoms of KKK brainwash include, but are not limited to:
1. Referring to any of the Kardashians by only their first name in normal conversation as if they are mutual friends of those speaking.  Example: "Can you believe Khole has to leave LA to move to Dallas?  Where will she find a good Thai fusion restaurant?"  When you start asking yourself, "Do we have a friend named Kourtney/Kim/Khloe that I am forgetting about", your loved one may already be infected.
2. Persistent talk about buying boots, how cute someone else's boots are, or the actual purchase of boots outside one's practical purchasing power.  Example: My wife took out a $20,000 home equity loan to buy a pair of super cute boots, wore them once, and then starting talking about buying more boots.
3. Slurring of words, slowing one's verbal pace, and gradually lowering the pitch of one's voice while talking behind someone else's back.  Example: "Oh my god, can you believe Sarah bought thatuglyeffingscrafandworeitwiththoseawfulpairofblippityblopblahblah?"  As the pitch and pace grow lower and slower the words eventually become inaudible to those uninfected. 



From left to right: Khloe, Kim, and
Kourtney at a Miami KKK rally in 2011



Preventing Full Infection



The most common forms of treatment for early stage KKK infection are:

1. Switching your DVR cable box for a normal cable box without recording capability.  An uninfected patient could easily tell the difference, but those with early stage KKK will only be able to make high pitch whining sounds.

2. Assume all grocery shopping responsibilities.  If the infected patient is unable to access tabloid magazines the infection will eventually weaken.

Symptoms of Full Infection

Patients displaying any of these symptoms should be immediately treated:

1. Watching the Kim and Kris wedding on repeat and sobbing uncontrollably.

2. Changing one's first name so that it begins with a "K" when it should clearly begin with a different letter.  For example, spelling Carly as Karly.

3. The inability to form multi-syllabic words and drooling in between noises. 

Treatment for Advanced KKK

Though not 100% effective there are some treatments for advanced KKK that have been known to result in remission. 

1. Cutting off all media access.  Cable and Internet service must be shut off, and tabloid magazines must be avoided at all costs.  The infected patient will no longer be able to provide these services for themselves as they have spent all of their income on boots. 

2. Re-train the infected brain.  Start by reading children's books to the infected patient.  Pop up books work especially well for early stimulation.  As the patient begins to comprehend what is being read, they may be able to advance to young adult material and eventually may learn to read again. 

Wiping Out the KKK for Good

The KKK will continue to exist in this country as long as we allow our friends, family, and significant others to be exposed to them.  Be proactive and have your cable provider block the E! Network.  Practice safe media.  Avoid morning radio shows on top 40 stations.  Stay away from long super market lines that may contain enticing photographs of the KKK in their new boots.  And most importantly, be there for the ones you love.  If someone you love mentions the KKK, change the god damn subject.