Like most people, I often lie awake at night wondering what I would do if I had billions of dollars and no need to work. Once I get past the easy decisions, such as where I would live and who I would have killed, I start to think about more pressing issues. Murphy once told me that if you're rich you can be eccentric. This is not a luxury afforded to the middle class. If you make just enough to pay the bills and display your excrement in a jar on your mantle, you're not eccentric, you're just weird. I've decided that this is something I would surely take advantage of. At the moment, I'm leaning toward opening several local, poorly named businesses in areas where they would surely fail. So far I've come up with the following:
1. Trail of Beers Gastropub located on a Native American Reservation
2. Crepe of the Nan King in China Town
3. The West Bank in Brooklyn
I would spare no expense to assure that each business was superior to any competitor in its area. It would be too easy for groups to boycott the businesses if the product being produced wasn't exceptional. I have no doubt that you'd often hear, "I know the Japanese ravaged our women and children, but god damn this is one hell of a crepe!" Likewise, I don't care how anti-Palestinian you are, you're not passing up 6% interest on your savings account at the West Bank.
Sure, I could use my money to build schools or shoe the children with no shoes on their feet (whatever the hell that means), but I've earned my money, probably, and I'll be damned if I don't exercise my right to make people uncomfortable.
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