Hit Me Baby One More Time: Britney Spears Explains the Tenure of Andy Reid (125 days)

On January 11^th, 1999, Andy Reid was hired as head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles.  Nineteen days later Britney Spears hit number one on the Billboard Hot 100 for the first time in her young career with the single “…Baby One More Time.”  Over the past thirteen years both Andy and Britney have seen their share of ups and downs; triumphs and failures; moments of glory and sheer embarrassment.  While on the surface, the two seem impossibly alike; their shared emotional journeys through identical periods of time will forever be linked in song and action.  While unintentional, Britney’s lyrics tell the tale of a man on a conquest for greatness whose fate would ultimately end in failure.  This is the story of Andy Reid told by the voice of a decade. 

Stronger (1999-2000 Seasons)

The once proud franchise of the Philadelphia Eagles had sputtered through the last two seasons under Ray Roads, and was still trying to scrub clean the stench of previous coach Rich Kotite.  Andy Reid was hired in January of 1999 after successfully coaching quarterback Brett Favre to a Super Bowl win, despite Brett’s constant off the field distractions of pain killer abuse, frequent infidelity, and incessant Wrangler Jeans promotions.  In April of 1999, Andy smartly made the correct draft choice of Donovan McNabb, despite the fan’s and media’s obvious hope for Ricky Williams.  After years of working with Favre, Andy could clearly spot a selfish junkie like Williams, and his choice of McNabb would prove to catapult the Eagles to a playoff birth within his second season.  Though in their first year under Reid, the Eagles would finish 5-11, it was an improvement over their 3-13 finish from the year before.  Clearly the Eagles were stronger than yesterday.  Now, it was nothing but Andy’s way.  In a classic Reid maneuver, the Eagles started the 2000 season against the Cowboys with an onside kick that was recovered, in a game that would henceforth be referred to as the “Pickle Juice Game.”  The Eagles stole the game away early from the Cowboys and the season went the same way.  The Eagles finished 11-5 with a playoff win against the Bucs before losing to the ill-named NY Giants, who neither played in New York nor were giants.

Oops I Did It Again (2001-2003 Seasons)

For a three year span in the early 2000’s, the Eagles were one of the best regular season teams in football.  They won the NFC East in all three seasons and managed to make it to the NFC championship game each year.  Some of the highlights of these seasons included the on field murder of Jim Miller by Hugh Douglas in a road playoff game; a four touchdown game by McNabb while playing on a broken ankle; a 4^th and 26 completion to future hall of famer Freddie Mitchell; and a last second punt return for a touchdown by Brian Westbrook to beat that blue team from New Jersey.  However, when it came to the NFC championship, Andy Reid and the Eagles continued to make the same mistakes, and break fans’ hearts again and again.  When it came to the NFC Championship, to lose all his senses was just so typically Andy.  He played with our hearts while he got lost in the game.  We were so enamored initially, that we were unable to see that he was a fool in so many ways.  However after an embarrassing defeat by the Buccaneers in the last game ever at Veterans Stadium in 2002, and an anemic offensive performance against the Panthers in 2003, Philadelphia began to realize that Andy was not sent from above. 

…Baby One More Time (2004 Season)

“Oh baby, baby how was I supposed to know that my offense wouldn’t perform against top flight defenses in tight playoff games?”  Well, Andy, perhaps in an offense that throws the ball 97% of the time, there should be players on the team that can run fast and catch footballs.  Maybe, Todd Pinkston and James Thrash aren’t the answer.  “Show me, how you want it to be.  Tell me baby ‘cause I need to know now.”  Dude, Andy, we just want you to get a wide receiver.

The Baltimore Ravens had just acquired the best free agent wide receiver on the market: Terrell Owens.  However, Terrell had decided that he didn’t feel like playing there, and the NFL made up a new rule that only allowed top tier wide receivers to play for high powered offenses not coached by Brian Billick.  To the Eagles luck that ruled out the Ravens, and the Eagles were able to sign T.O. and nobody even remembers if Baltimore ever complained.  With the new addition, the Eagles started the season 13-1.  The Eagles once again found themselves in the NFC Championship.  However, their brightest new star had been previously injured by the biggest coward that ever played professional sports, Roy Williams, who later had a rule made in his honor to prevent people from tackling like him.  Prior to that there had simply been an unspoken rule not to play the game like a total A-hole.  Regardless of the fact that the Eagles had lost the previous three NFC Championships, and they were missing the dynamic T.O., we still believed…mainly because we were up against the most overrated professional athlete of all time, Michael Vick (FORESHADOWING!!!).  Michael Vick dogged it, was held on a tight leash, and was eventually put down by Brian Dawkins, Hugh Douglas, Jeremiah Trotter, and the rest of the Eagles defense.  The Eagles won and would go on to play Super Bowl XXXIX against the New England Patriots, whose fans has just discovered they had a football team three years earlier.  Though T.O. made a magnificent and courageous return, and though the Eagles led at the half, they found themselves down by two scores late in the game.  Suddenly, without all their time outs, and without a sense of urgency, a flood of memories came back to Philadelphia fans everywhere.  The last five minutes of play was like a slow motion punch to the stomach.  Despite getting one step closer, the fans of the Eagles were hit one more time. 

Toxic (2005 Season)

Terrell Owens had been spectacular in 2004.  Some, including T.O., would even say that he out-performed his contract.  Others, including Eagles brass and McNabb, disagreed.  Philadelphia had fallen in love with T.O. in the previous year, but they soon learned that guy like him should wear a warning.  We had a taste of poison paradise and had become addicted.  In the weeks leading up to the 2005 season, T.O. had the most epic hold out in recorded history.  The hold out included a work out session on the front lawn of his Sough Jersey home.  Clearly, T.O. was well ahead of his time, showing off his abs while television cameras rolled in Moorestown, NJ years before the birth of Jersey Shore.  While he ultimately reported for duties by the time the season started, his constant bickering with his quarterback and coach caused much unneeded on and off field drama.  The Eagles got off to a poor start, and T.O.’s antics were not helping.  Despite racking up six touchdowns and over 700 yards in seven games, T.O. was suspended for the remainder of the season by Reid.  Things got even worse when McNabb got a sports hernia while attempting to prove he could pick up Andy Reid.  The Eagles finished 6-10 and lost every game within their division.  We had become addicted to the Eagles, but found out that they were toxic.

I’m a Slave 4 U (2006 Season) 

What would you call someone who continually commits a large portion of their time and energy to something that never pays off?  A slave?  Yes, that’s what we had become.  I won’t deny it.  I’m not trying to hide it.  The Eagles started slow and McNabb got hurt again.  Now Jeff Garcia would take the reins of a sputtering offense.  Would we watch to see what happened?  What the hell, who cares?  However, somehow Garcia played like an all pro and wound up taking the Eagles to the playoffs where he helped beat the Giants in a first round playoff game.  Suddenly, we forgot who McNabb was, and had our sights set on a Super Bowl.  We couldn’t hold it.  We could not control it.  We were back to committing our emotions to a team that had repeatedly broker our hearts.  Of course, they did it once again in a loss to New Orleans.  Inevitably, we would return with the same commitment the next season.  We were slaves to the Eagles and Andy Reid.  Incidentally, I’m thinking that texting must have reached massive popularity by the time Brittney’s “I’m a Slave 4 U” was released.  Either that or she was conforming to the popularity of Nu Metal which felt it imperative to misspell the names of their bands in order to show how incredibly bad ass they were.  This, however, is a debate for another blog entry. 

Sometimes (2007 Season)

“Sometimes I run, but mainly I just like to call passing plays.  Sometimes I hide, but I generally leave that to my quarterback who disappears at the end of tight games.  Sometimes I’m scared of being fired, but all I have to do is put together a playoff run now and then and I’m pretty sure my job is secure.  Baby all I need is time, but I usually waste all of my time outs early and can’t manage the clock at the end of the game.”  This is essentially how the 2007 season went.  Brian Westbrook was one of the best running backs in the NFL, but was consistently under utilized.  McNabb continued to come up small in the end of close games and got injured once again.  Andy’s clock management once again was atrocious.  The Eagles had an 8-8 season and finished last in the division, but Andy’s job was still secure from the playoff runs of yester year.  In the background however, something unusual was occurring.  The Phillies had won their division for the first time in 14 years.  Slowly the grip that the Eagles had on the city was loosening as a young Phillies team was beginning to gel. 

You Drive Me Crazy (2008-2009 Seasons)

In 2008 the impossible happened.  The Philadelphia Phillies broke a 25 year citywide championship drought by beating the Tampa Bay Rays in the World Series. Look it up.  It actually happened.  Even if you believe me, look it up anyway.  It’s way fun.  Either way, the city suddenly had the confidence that if the Phillies could win a World Series, then maybe Andy Reid could possibly coach the Eagles back to glory.  For much of 2008 and 2009 Andy drove us crazy.  In typical Andy fashion he would bring the city into a rage, and then would go on a run of four or five straight wins to bring the city back into frenzy (rage and frenzy are the only two collective emotions the city of Philadelphia has).   He drove us crazy, but it felt alright.  Andy, thinking of you kept us up at night.  At times, it was worth the lack of sleep.  In 2008, he coached the team back to the NFC Conference Championship.  “Tell me that I’m not wasting my feelings on you”, we all asked once again.  Ultimately, we would get the same answer in return.  Larry Fitzgerald, the pride of Ireland, blew us up like a British state building, and the Eagles lost their fourth conference championship under Reid.  Between the 2008 and 2009 season, Eagles defensive coordinator Jim Johnson passed away and Eagles failed to resign the soul of the Eagles defense, Brian Dawkins.  The feared Eagles defense would never recover.  Despite making the playoffs in 2009, the Eagles lost in embarrassing fashion to the Cowboys in the first round.  This would prove to be the last game Donovan McNabb would ever play as an Eagle.  While Andy and Donovan had a good run, Andy appeared to have to make a change if he was going to keep his job.  As the Phillies continued to succeed, failure was no longer an option. 

Lucky (2010 Season)

In 2010, Andy Reid was prepared to start a new era of Eagles football with Kevin Kolb.  However, it wasn’t long before Kolb was sacked into a concussed, drooling zombie.  At that point the Eagles were stuck with former dog murderer and walking commercial, Michael Vick.  For years in Atlanta, Vick was able to fool millions of Americans into thinking that he was an elite quarterback by running, not throwing the ball.  ESPN devoted thirteen hours a day showing highlights of Vick running down the field and no one noticed that he couldn’t accurately through a football.  Now that Vick was fresh out of jail and was widely hated he could no longer rely on ESPN to cover his flaws.  Instead, he spent much of 2010 learning how to throw a football and actually looked like a competent passer for stretch of eight games.  He especially shined when the Eagles were able to somehow convince the commissioner to schedule a game against a high school football team called the Washington Redskins.  As the world kept spinning, he kept on winning.  When he found himself down by four touchdowns against the NY Giants in mid December, he helped engineer what is probably the greatest comeback in NFL history.  Unfortunately the city of Philadelphia was lost in his image, in a dream.  When the playoffs came, fans found out what Vick truly was.  Lucky.

Hold it Against Me (2011-2012 Seasons)

“Hey, over there, please forgive me.”  No Andy, not anymore.  “If I missed the playoffs two years in a row with a team that analysts picked to make it to the Super Bowl, would you hold it against me?”  Yes Andy.  Yes we will.  In the words of Britney’s former boyfriend, bye bye bye!