October has long been my favorite month of the year. The weather begins getting cooler. The Philles start the post…oh, wait. The Flyers begin the start of the regular…never mind. Well, at least it becomes socially acceptable to hang fake human body parts from your porch. In a country where a split second shot of a boob on television causes a national uproar, we have no issues celebrating a holiday that glorifies gruesome murder and evil. If I had my pick between murder and nudity, I’d probably pick nudity, but honestly I can see how this can go either way. When I was in middle school, long before ironic and campy Halloween costumes were all the rage, the kid with the most horrific costume was generally the most respected on October 31st. I used to put a lot of thought into what type of awful monster I wanted to be. More recently, I started thinking about which monster I would like to be if I could actually be a monster. Not just on Halloween, but forever. This is not a decision I took lightly. Below, I have ranked the categories of monsters I would least likely want to become to the ones I would love to become.
#7: Ghost
Patrick Swayze is not a monster…though I guess he could be a ghost in real life now as well. Either way, friendly, ripped ghosts are off the table for the purposes of this installment as they aren’t really monsters in my opinion. Even still, ghosts are probably the lamest of the monsters. From my experience, they just scare people and never murder them. What’s the point of being a monster if you can’t disembowel people? I can scare people without being a monster. All it takes is a ghost story, a couple cans of fruit cocktail and a giant generator and you can scare the living hell out of a half dozen college freshman girls (ask me about it). In Ghostbusters, ghosts were let loose on the most populated city in the United States
#6: Frankenstein
I realize that Frankenstein is not a type of monster, but rather a specific monster. I also realize that the monster is actually Frankenstein’s monster and not Frankenstein, but really, that’s just too long of a name. I blame this on Mary Shelly. She should have given him an actual name like Killberg to create less confusion and prevent literary snobs from correcting the general population. Although Frankenstein didn’t want his “monster” to be evil, so he probably wouldn’t have named in Killberg. Maybe Kenneth would have been a good choice. I feel that’s probably a creepy enough normal name to still make people uneasy. Would you want Kenneth babysitting your kids? The answer is no. So, while it would be cool to be super tall, strong, and dumb as a brick like Brian Urlacher, I’d still prefer to have a name.
#5: Zombie
I’ve shared my thoughts on zombies in a previous blog, but this doesn’t mean they’re a favorite of mine. Gates told me he got drunk at a BBQ in Long Island and ate part of a pig’s brain. He said it was gross and he almost vomited. I can’t imagine human brains taste much better. If zombies were hell bent on eating burritos instead of brains I’d become a zombie tomorrow. However, as it stands I’d rather not spend all day walking around groaning, looking to crack open Murphy’s big dome. Side note: Juan Pierre would last pretty long in the Zombie apocalypse (speed plus undesirable head size).
#4: Werewolf
While I enjoy the idea of having perfect hair and going van surfing one or twice a month, ultimately I feel like the wolfman’s heart is never completely in it. In reality, you’re only a monster when there’s a full moon. Being a monster only once every four weeks must be tough to deal with. I imagine this is what Dominic Brown feels like. Additionally, they have one of the worst weaknesses of all monsters. The only thing that can kill a werewolf is a silver bullet. Most other monsters require close range termination, but you can snipe a werewolf from long range and have 28 days to prepare yourself for it. I’m sorry, but if I’m going to be a monster I want to be committed to it. Also, if I’m going to die from precious metal, have Bruce Dickinson kill me at close range.
#3: Mummy
Now we’re getting somewhere. Most monsters have a very specific, widely known way to kill them. As far as I know this does not apply to the Mummy. If a mummy was chasing me I would only have one option. I’d try to unravel his bandages. If the unraveling the bandages did not reveal that the mummy was, in fact, old man Mr. Clarkson who runs the carnival, I would be dead. Other than not having a widely known way to kill a mummy, there are several other perks. Ever run out of toilet paper in someone else’s bathroom? This is no longer an issue. You’d kill at parties doing that Charlie Brown dance. You would get to live in a sweet, palatial pyramid surrounded with all your bestest dead buddies. Plus, I’ve already had sinus surgery, so getting my brain pulled out through my nose shouldn’t be a big deal. The only real downfall is that if you’re carrying bombs, they will be easily spotted by Link. I’d sacrifice that in a heartbeat.
#2: Devil
This was almost my number one. When you think about mythology, I mean religion, other than God, the devil has more power than anyone. Since God stopped being a monster after the Old Testament, this means the devil is the most powerful monster in the monster universe. Beside the awesome power that comes with being the devil, coming up with ironic p unishment for evil doers has to be a blast. For instance, I would make Rick Santorum learn about math and science FOR ENTERNITY!!! Although the most ironic p unishment for Santorum will likely actually occur when he dies…and nothing happens. Also, I could force JD Drew to live with Phillies fans and throw batteries at him whenever I’d like. The only downside is the heat. Like I said earlier, I like when the weather starts getting cooler.
#1: Vampire
I understand that vampires are hot right now, but they’ve been getting chicks since Bela Lugosi. They’re the only monster that consistently scores points with the ladies. I love Karly and everything, but vampires live forever, and there’s that whole “until death do us part” clause. I’ll mourn for a couple hundred years, but after that it’s time to move on. Speaking of which, why isn’t there a vampire movie where the vampire is married to a non-vampire. They’ve been married for like 50 years, and the vampire is way ready to move on, but he’s waiting for her to pass away because, you know, he has morals. However, the catch is that when she’s on her death bed, the torch wielding, stake toting villagers surround his house, and he needs to feed. The only way to quench his thirst is to drink the blood of his wife, which would then make her a vampire, who would also live forever. Does he risk death by not drinking her blood, or does he cave, ruining his dreams of being a bachelor? I need to get working on a screenplay. Either way, I think I’d make a pretty smooth transition to vampire. I have Croatian lineage, which is pretty close to Romania Pennsylvania , which sounds kind of like Transylvania . I would imagine vampires are typically good investors, since they can afford to be patient. This is why they’re always rich. I’d love to be rich without working and live in a spooky gothic castle. Sleep during the day and party all night? Sure, college was awesome. I guess the only downside would be that I love garlic. However, I hate the heat more than I love garlic so vampire it is. If you need me I’ll be hanging out with Nick Vendito’s grandfather.
